Being Noticed

I'm not sure why, but I have a fear of being noticed. I struggle with compliments, watching eyes and the ever-unseen judgements people may pass on me.


The other day I realized a possible tribute to this insecurity. When I was about the age of 9 or 10, I was deeply involved in ballet. I had a part in the Nutcracker and I was very confident in my growing abilities, despite being one of the youngest. One day, during a long Saturday practice, I had an experience that would be burned into my brain even to this day. We had been split up into groups to practice our parts. I was in the blue group. The instructor called out for the blue group to take a water break. We quickly ran to line up at the drinking fountain where I was close to the front. As I waited, I suddenly realized to my horror that I was in line with the red group and they were realizing the same thing. I looked back and saw everyone looking at me with disdain. One girl said, "What are you doing? Your group is dancing right now." I ran back into the studio as fast as I could to find the music had already begun. I quickly jumped into my group that was in the middle of the floor, stuttering a little to catch up. "Stop the music!" I heard the instructor yell. All of us stopped and got into first position. The instructor called to me and said, "Come here right now." No one was moving, no one was allowing a sound. At this point, I only remember the instructor yelling at me in my face as the whole room, filled with ballet dancers I had looked up to for years now, stood watching. My heart still races when I think about it.


I don't blame the instructor, I don't blame the dancers, and I don't even blame myself. But somehow I have carried it with me. In times when my self-esteem is small, I back away from even the edge of the spotlight. I do whatever it takes to not be noticed no matter how small.


But today I make a conscience effort to warm myself by the spotlight. And if I happen to be in it, I must remember that the spotlight is not for others to see me but for me to see myself in a better light. I must appreciate being noticed...








Photo by nattydreadd